Level 10: The Ultimate Devotees
Categorizing Michael Jackson fans by gradually adding new layers of intensity, expression, and loyalty — In the eyes of the Ultimate Devotees, this is the worst idea since their petition to replace the National Anthem with Earth Song was denied. His Sublime Highness of Pop does not deserve the adoration of spineless weaklings representing Level 9 or below. Behold the supreme and only acceptable version of a Michael Jackson fan.
How dare Level 9 Conspiracy Theorists even consider the question of whether Michael is dead or alive. He has always been and always will be a deity that transcends all physical manifestations of earthly existence.
Nice try, Level 8 Showman Clones, but even if your path were as light-assisted as Jackson’s in the Billie Jean video, your pilgrimage wouldn’t come close to the pinnacle of his artistic charism.
E for effort, Level 7 Community Campaigners. The Ultimate Devotees document the entire scripture of Saintly Michael as part of their daily liturgy.
No need to brag. Level 6 Infatuated Collectors may have every record of the Holy Pop Monarch’s hymns, but Level 10 believers have two of each: one to play and one to pray to.
They don’t just respond like the idle congregation formed by Level 5 Advocates for Legacy. They lead the litany in his Church of Moonwalking Faith.
To be a wimp like the Level 4 Timid Supporters should be considered blasphemous.
Still wet from the baptismal ceremony, Level 3 Emerging Enthusiasts rightfully stand in the back of the choir to worship the Divine Prophet of Music Excellence.
The pathetic excuse that Level 2 Occasional Cheerleaders call their music collection leads to a doctrinal argument for excommunication.
And finally: If Level 1 Unbothered Listeners continue to think that Black Or White is just a strategy in chess, their sins shall be punished by being trapped in an endless loop of Paul McCartney whining about being outbid in the race for the ATV catalog by none other than — let’s say it loud and clear — THE ALMIGHTY GOD OF POP.
The Ultimate Devotee’s angry sermon comes to an end. Exhausted by their uncompromising spirituality, they murmur a final prayer, devoid of any sacrilegious irony, to heal the world, to make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race. In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Hee-hee!